A wrestling match of sorts this week – in the dragon’s lair. Slink yourself past the feline beasties roaming outside and witness the fitness indoors. BonsaiKitten.com, preservers of the long lost art of housepet body modification, take on crazed bicycle welders – Chunk 666.
(( PS. this was my most commented article when it was over @ the now defunct octapod.org/jeanpoole. Seemed like someone must have forwarded this URL to a teenage Christian mailing list, judging by the flock of mortified kitten-lovers it attracted.. ))
Strength
A bonsai plant achieves its miniature yet mature form through a long and delicate process of trimming during the formative years of the tree. While it is not possible to trim a kitten, oriental artists are also expert in the modification of animal forms. Both foot-binding and head-binding can miniaturize the feet and shape the head into attractive yet sturdy shapes. This technique is also the principle behind the well-known corset, and part of the Bonsai Kitten’s strength.
Chunk 666 are a bicycle club, working to hasten the heat death of the universe. They believe in the use of muscle-powered steeds which augment the physiology of their riders. Why bicycles with long extended choppers? “We ride these things because we have no choice. We ride them because life is short and should be painful as well. We ride them because we have a message to bring to the people: ‘Clear the streets! Return to your homes!’ ”
Constitution
By physically constraining the growth of a developing living thing, it can be directed to take the shape of the vessel that constrains it. A quick browse of BK shows these kitties must be made of the right stuff. Hard to compete with the chunkers though:
“After the imminent Apocalypse, gasoline and bullets will be rare. Those who already ride bicycles and shoot bb guns and slingshots today will easily dominate the huddled masses tomorrow. The laws of physics will change as well. Bicycles that are ridable now will be unridable in the future, while our apparently foolish machines lay waste to the world.”
Dexterity
At only a few weeks of age, a kitten’s bones have not yet hardened and become osseous. They are extremely soft and springy. The flexibility of the kitten’s skeleton means the bones can be gently warped at this early age, and molded into any desired shape. Bonsai Kitten place their kittens into a rigid vessel soon after birth, allowing the young cat to grow out its formative time entirely within a small glass jar.
Sez chunk: Driving a car is similar to pushing buttons on a microwave oven, and the Magic Fingers effect of a motorcycle does not prevent its rider from growing an expansive belly. Chunk nullifies this effect by crafting cycles which induce a state of intoxication in their pilots. Each decimeter of length added to a chopper fork induces the equivalent effect of one standard can of earth beer, drunk within half a minute, on its pilot. Versatile, but the kitties score here.
Intelligence
Transcend housepets with the same mundane shape as all other members of its species. Put your Bonsai Kitten smart cap on and a world of variation awaits you, limited only by your own imagination.
The chunkers provide remarkably innovative solutions to the problem of human-machine interaction. Along with stupendous bike-forks, they’ve also amassed a range of ass-killing banana seats, wheelie bars, visual and sonic distractors designed for sensual-info overload.
Wisdom
The Oriental art of miniature sculpture can produce marvellous beauty. Particularly wise, are this site’s well considered practices for dealing with the jarred kitten’s air, food and waste removal.
Non-organically-powered vehicles tend to induce boredom in the people who are steering them. Much wiser to ride with Chunk. What’s it like? One cannot truly experience the experience without sitting one’s ass on a bike, taking off, and crashing.
Charisma
The kitten essentially grows into the shape of the vessel! Once the cat is fully developed, it is removed (or the vessel broken to remove it!), producing the lovable, furry pet you’ve always wanted, but it remains in the shape you’ve always dreamed of! Talk about charismatic bonus points!
How could you not be charmed by the ‘Flaming Bikes of Death’? By choppers so long you can almost fit your bike across a whole intersection?
As MrT said: “I’m talented and flexible. I could play Hamlet, even though I look like King Kong.” With talent like BonsaiKittens & Chunk 666, the only true winner is wrestling.