Rock Hard Directions


On the krusty plains of the years ahead, lay a battered pair of mirrored shades. Zoom in like a mars probe and the curved reflective panorama reveals : our future is littered with spam. And so, some navigational strategies for the noise ahead.

Grasping The Situation
Not sure if you’ve heard the one about the disco-dancer who fell on a schooner glass, badly gashing his leg. Rushed to hospital by his friends, the emergency nurse couldn’t convince him to remove his pants for better access to the wound. Source of his reluctance turned out, of course, to be a rather large salami taped to the side of his thigh. Urban myth or not, I feel for this character. On NYE I’d decided to spend the following year aware of silver linings within dark clouds, and so upon later facing an inbox brimming with spam – I embraced all on offer and replied to every email. If you’d like to borrow a Paris Hilton video, I’ve got 36 copies on VHS, and 13 on DVD. I’ve already married 4 Russian ladies and thanks to a potent combination of lotions, creams, patches, pills, and herbal treatments, my penis is now 117 disco-dangerous inches long. I’m expecting most of the feeling will return when all bandages are removed, but swimming pools and tight jeans are out for now.

Adopt A Celebrity
Another way to embrace rather than suffer media overload, is to develop compassion for a front-page human. Next time you’re pushing a trolley full of soy sausages through the checkout, spend just a few minutes glancing over the tabloid mag covers to see who’s feeling the pain. Hard to go past Australia’s real-life croc-hunter at the moment, mostly because of unfair comparisons with the black-turned-white popstar with a penchant for baby-dangling. Once you’ve adopted, striking up conversations on public transport or in ATM queues becomes much more enjoyable, and you can enjoy subtly swinging to the defence of your fragile star eg “It’s not like he sleeps with the crocodiles is it? And I mean, really – have you ever tried to molest a 1000 pound reptile?” Of course popstars with rare skin diseases are also suitable adoptees.

Leave It All Behind

Your eyeballs have already been extended 170 million kilometres if you’ve browsed recent snaps from our Mars robot, so if you wheelie, wheelie wanna getz away from the advertising debris – why not join them? The DIY Space Travel expertise of The Association of Autonomous Astronauts should help you along nicely – but you’ll first face a few obstacles. Namely, you’ll have to figure out a way to get past the upcoming Aussie Star Wars Missile Defence System (code-named Woolly Woofta) and before that – you’ll have to wrestle with the proposed Australian microchip passports (true) to get yourself outta customs.

Sticking Around

If you decide to stay, your ride will be best enjoyed if the other passengers are also comfortable. Deeper rooted way to reduce terrorism too. Kevin Kelly is a Californian, but he also has some good ideas about ‘leveraging’ your donations in the best way. Based on critieria of aiming to help those with the least, where small makes a huge difference, of a gift expanding itself and having global range, he has built a short list of exemplary organisations who are helping improve the lives of many people. Scroll down past the gadget-fetishes at his homepage for more details:

Autobot Roulette:

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