4 Imaginary Websites


Certain perverse pleasures exist in finding that the web’s reach encompasses even our most trivial and banal of thoughts, ideas, obsessions. Almost like – the weirder the obsession webbed, the more it rekindles faith in humanity as a limitlessly diverse set of oddballs. There’s still plenty of unchartered territory though, so here’s a few ideas for any wannabe domain name hustlers and web-entrepreneurs. Can you believe no-one has these URLS yet?

As well as surely a fascinating documentary, following a gaggle of globe-trotting women between Buddhist conferences the world over, there is muchos merit in these would-be web hills too. Word is, that his holiness is chased by wannabe wives across the planet. Remember the plaster-casterers of the 60s? This is what we get 21C style. Kinda reminds me of that Monty Python skit for some reason – where a man gets to choose his method of execution and ends up being chased off the top of a cliff by all these topless (rollerskating?) women. The poor Dalai~! Shuffling along in his robe trying to find some peace, and all of these fee-mails trying to nail his ass. Maybe it’s more than physical – perhaps they feel he speaks to them directly, them alone? Maybe there was an article about the sexiness of shiney domes in Vogue sometime ago? Think of all the website features you could include – and a members only section with paparazzi ginseng bath shots.

The scoop the world’s bean waiting for. Son of an Austrian soy bean farmer, the world’s most famous strongman derived his strength from a childhood carrying sacks of soy, and a steady diet of bean-curd delights. Realising at an early age that much more land and resources were needed to sustain a population with beef than with soy, the young Schwarzenegger boy decided to terminate his association with mass-produced red meat. With 6 billion people onboard, and another 3 expected by 2050, Arnold decided that promoting his brand of strength and fitness wasn’t enough to swing around our dietary habits. And so a health conscious California was chosen, Hollywood infiltrated, and a marriage into the Kennedy family preparing his next step. Stay tuned for the Governator’s radical soy bean farmer subsidies, cattle ranch reforestation and food redistribution programs. And really – who wouldn’t want to be Arnie’s webmistress? Arnie loves tofu – spread the word.

Can you believe this guy? Apparently he placed an ad looking for someone to mutilate, then eat, all in front of a video camera. But what’s weirder – that someone could place an ad – or that someone answered it, and volunteered, consented to it all. He was looking for his second ‘victim’ when discovered by German police. An undoubted cult in the making, and imagine – by jumping quickly – you could be the proud owner of such prime web real estate~! The Germans have also been in the Quirk News lately for Porno Karaoke – where couples simulate the sounds and ‘lines’ of classic adult movies being projected and the audience votes on the best simulators. Combine these two ideas into the one website, and you’re probably the next web-Tarantino.

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