Near chewed my fingernails clean off waiting for the interview. Been waiting for six months, then finally a window of opportunity. Meant chatting on the solarium intercom, and half an hour tanning my precious ass, but(t) it was a price worth paying to snare this scoop for 3D.
How did you get started?
A lot of hard work, blood sweat and tears, but who needs sob stories? Get over it already. You want the golden rule of getting where I am today? Them that has the gold makes the rules. Fucking buy the ladder instead of climbing it.
How have you become such a successful bedroom producer?
Most people are quite surprised to say the least, when they see the array of modern technology I have in my bedroom. I find having it all within easy reach, really opens up the possibilities for creatively generating extreme sounds.
What technology are you using at the moment?
The new black and decker range is impressive, continuing their attention to detail and precision control mechanisms. And cordless power drills just keep getting smaller, but too slowly – can you believe it? I’m still waiting for a model that’ll finally fit in your goddamn pocket, you’d think it was the 17th century or something sometimes. I might get my secretary to research the size of Japanese models actually.
What do you think about virtualisation, and the continued shift from hardware to software?
Some mobile data devices ares quite good. For example, the extendable metallic aerials on the older nokia mobile phones are very handy. And fuck the anti-cancer zealots. Anyone who can’t afford a decent tumour removalist deserves the pain.
Your thoughts on the emerging ‘visuals’ scene?
Visualisation has always played a strong part in my work. I’m really starting to savour methodical processes and the way things are done rather than the end result, and it pleases me greatly to visualise each step of these processes in exquisite detail.
Other artists you’d love to collaborate with?
I think it would be difficult for me to collaborate with somebody else, I have very strong ideas which I like to execute in very, very, very particular ways. Some people might find that anally obsessive, but when I get properly engaged with my work, I don’t think anyone would understand my reactions to their interferences. People have no idea how goddamn hard it is to be an artist with misunderstood ideas. But I have faith the world will recognise my work and my special abilities sooner or later, I just know I’m gonna have my fifteen minutes in the goddamn spotlight.
Music of late?
Apparently the Huey Lewis & The News twelve inch remixes are a must, I’ve ordered them all. I quite like twelve inches, and that these are on an obscure white label is also a bonus. Sets me apart from the other plebs in the office. Some people have no idea how to buy fashion.
Your thoughts on the OZ electronic arts scene?
It’s not the states or even the UK, so who gives a shit? A legal colleague told me at a cocktail party he was bidding for Michael Hutchence’s belt on ebay. Thought that was kinda cool, but I told him he was full of shit.
You haven’t heard of Bloody Fist?
Who the fuck are they? Sound like some sort of pornographic boxing film makers.
Any plans for Australian tours?
I don’t visit countries with leaders under 6ft. That’s a joke. Seriously though, do you have to have a leader with Hitler moustaches for eyebrows? I mean, what sort of impression does that give to other trading nations? For christsake – if you can’t import a decent goddamn French or Italian image consultant, how can you expect to run a whole goddamn country? Why the fuck don’t all your CEO’s get together and vote someone else in?
Nice place to catch an American psycho with their pants down. Well, if satirical George Bush sites are your cuppa tea, you’ll find much to amuse here anyway.
Newcastle’s finest pornographic boxing film makers, complete with mp3 downloads.
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